HP printer the last straw

Hewlett Packard printers are crap.

I took a huge, expensive leap of faith and bought a top of the line HP printer about a month ago and I've had nothing but trouble with it since.

First, it usually doesn't detect the fact that there really is paper in the paper tray. Because of this, my command to print from my computer is often interrupted, and I have to get up and go over to jiggle or reposition the stack of paper so the damn machine will notice its presence.

Then, it likes to tell me it's "off line," effectively ending any printing job I attempt.

I can plug, unplug, replug, shut off, turn on -- and nothing changes.

Today was the last straw. I called HP's customer service and naturally I got a guy whose accent was so thick I could barely understand him. Setting aside this minor irritation, I proceeded to try to explain my problems. He interrupted me to insist that before he could help me, I'd have to set up an account and "register" my printer. So I gave him my name, my contact, information and the printer model number.

Then he asked me for the printer's serial number.

I told him I wasn't where I could see that number at the moment, and couldn't he just listen to my problem and tell me what to do.

Nooooooo.

Had to have that *%$4%^&#&* serial number.

Fine, I said. If that's the way it was gonna be, I'd just take the printer back to the store where I bought it and get my substantial investment back.

The guy didn't blink. He didn't offer a workaround, he didn't offer to transfer me to his supervisor.

He just let me go.

Customer service has all but died, folks. American companies are making money hand over fist and they DO NOT GIVE A GOOD DAMN about the customer at the bottom of the heap. It's profits, image, more profit and if that means outsourcing to foreign countries where we get crappy customer service for crappy products made in other rat-hole countries, then so be it.

I've got other recent examples of bad customer service so while I"m on a roll I'm gonna share:

A good friend of mine bought the wrong workbook for her daughter at a local school supply store. Within 30 minutes of her purchase she realized her mistake and called the store to let them know she was on her way back to exchange or return it. They reminded her of their "no refund" policy on workbooks (fear of someone buying a book, photocopying the whole thing and then returning the original for $$ back) and also refused to allow her to exchange for either another item or store credit.

My friend has spent literally hundreds of dollars at this store over the course of her homeschooling career, as have I. The store's refusal to be reasonable has cost it future business as neither of us will ever shop there again.

Then there's a neighborhood pizza place that from time to time makes crappy pizza when its owner doesn't time the food just right and it emerges from the oven either nearly raw or burnt black.

In general, the food has been good and we've rarely had a problem, but the other night pizzas my husband picked up were just this side of raw and I had to fire up my own oven to finish cooking them. Having to do this after spending $28 for what should have been done right the first time sorta bothered me so I called the shop to let the owner know. I expected an apology, an offer of credit back, maybe a discount or freebie the next time we came in. We've been going there for five years and they know our family. We've done a lot of business with them, so I guess I expected them to actually care.

I know now that although they are idiots for refusing to put a timer on their pizza oven, I am a bigger idiot for thinking they valued our business.

The owner's wife rudely informed me on the phone that night that if we wanted pizza cooked according to a timer, then we ought to start going somewhere else where they use a timer. In short, "we don't care if you never come back."

Nice to know. And we won't go back. Ever.

Within 48 hours of this jaw-dropping experience (aren't we supposed to be in a recession where every customer's dollar counts?) my aforementioned friend had a similar experience at a nearby office supply store. Hey, I'll name names here. It was STAPLES.

My friend went in with a giftcard she'd received and wanted to buy some binders. She found some that sported stickers saying "instant rebate and savings," so she got several and headed to the checkout. When she asked about the "instant" savings, she was told she'd have to go online to fill out a bunch of blah, blah and then she'd get a rebate. "But this says, 'instant,'" she protested. Having to go home and go online and fill out some sort of form is anything but, she noted.

The clerk called the manager over and when my friend pointed out the misleading and frustrating advertisement, the manager essentially told her to go shop the competitor if she didn't like the way Staples did business.

So my friend has vowed to do just that. She'll never set foot in Staples again.

I could also share my story that is the nightmare of Comcast Communications, but I, too, grow weary of ineptitude, stupidity, and downright apathy that has become part and parcel of American retail.

The bottom line is this: The only way major companies are going to break and actually care about what we think is if we simply stop doing business with them. But this has to happen in droves, and they need to know why.

Wish the TEA partiers could figure out a way to persecute corporate America as part of their targeted efforts against government foolishness. That would be the ultimate example of feeding two birds with one crumb -- or obliterating two morons in one fell swoop.