Where none was meant . . .

I've recently had the distinct misfortune of offending someone when no offense was meant. It's an interesting place to be, if not a little lonely, because it forces me to examine again why we do the things we do -- or not.

The details of the alleged offense are not important. What matters more to me is how a perceived slight is dealt with. What's the responsibility of the offended party? What's the responsibility of the one who has been deemed offensive?

I don't have those answers, but I did a little research into the subject today and found some thoughts by other people that shed a little light on a fairly murky topic.

If you've ever been offended -- or if you've ever offended -- this post is for you.

Slate.com published an article in 2008 titled "Why humans are so quick to take offense, and what that means for the presidential campaign," by Emily Yoffe.

Ms. Yoffe explores the fascinating biology and psychology behind our tendencies to get bent out of shape when something doesn't go our way. With all due respect to copyright laws, I quote from her piece:

A paradox of human life is that the evolutionary forces that have made us cooperative and empathetic are the same ones that have made us prickly and explosive. Jonathan Haidt, a psychology professor at the University of Virginia, is a leading theorist in the field of moral psychology. He says the paired emotions of gratitude and vengeance helped us become the ultrasocial, ultrasuccessful species that we are. Gratitude allows us to expand our social network and recruit new allies; vengeance makes sure our new friends don't take advantage of us.

Study the topic of "taking offense" and you realize people are like tuning forks, ready to vibrate with indignation. So why do humans seem equipped with a thrumming tabulator, incessantly calculating whether we are getting proper due and deference? 

According to researchers, calibrating our responses to social interactions usually occurs below our conscious awareness. Yale psychologist John Bargh says getting on with life would be unmanageable if we didn't have a constantly running, under-the-surface sense of how to respond to situations. In his experiments, Bargh has shown that many of our social judgments and actions are automatic, and after the fact our brains make up a justification.

Humans have superb abilities to evaluate the defects of everyone else. The glitch, Haidt says, is that we're blind to our own flaws. He points out that Jesus used this very metaphor when he said, "You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." Haidt says we think that our perception of events is the objective truth, while everyone else's version is deluded by their self-interest.


"Once we're angry, irritated, we become prosecutors, and our reasoning gets hijacked by our need to build our own case," he says. So he suggests we can stop the prosecution by making even a small gesture of conciliation. We don't have to acknowledge we are wholly in the wrong, but changing our tone, conceding we shouldn't have said something, or said it in such a way, can trigger the reciprocity impulse in our opponent. 

Some researchers recommend that when it comes to feeling offended, we could benefit from becoming a little bit Buddhist. Stephanie Preston, head of the University of Michigan's Ecological Neuroscience Lab, says: "The more attached you are to your sense of self, the more you see forces trying to attack that self. If you have a more Buddhist view, and are less attached to self, you are less likely to see offense." 

Now we move from the evolutionary/psychological/Buddhist perspectives into the worldview of Christianity. The Bible has a lot to say on the subjects of offense, forgiveness, pomposity, and self vs. someone else.

The following comes from a 2007 devotional by Christian author Randy Robinson titled "Taking Offense."

It's instructive . . .

Often we take offense -- even when it’s not ours to take. Offense will come our way. We don’t have to go looking for it. When we do, we find offense in places where there is little or no cause for it. This is not simply foolishness, it is dangerous. It can lead to an overblown sense of victimization. Those who constantly take offense begin to feel as if life is not fair or that the world is out to get them. This mindset is diametrically opposed to Jesus declaration that Christians should “rejoice and be glad” when persecuted by the world (Matthew 5:11-12).

Dennis Prager, a brilliant author, lecturer and radio host, calls victimhood “the greatest single cause of evil.” He points out that Nazism arose from a sense of German victimhood, communism from a belief that the working man is the victim and Islamism from the idea that Muslims are victims of an oppressive Jewish-American conspiracy.

“The preoccupation of much of America with telling whole groups that they are victims -- of racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia and classism, among other American sins -- can only increase cruelty and evil in America,” Prager asserts.

Christians should not give in to the temptation to play the social martyr. We should stand up for our beliefs and defend the assaults on our faith, but never look for reasons to take offense. To the contrary, we must proactively forgive those who offend us, whether that offense is real or merely perceived. Otherwise, we play the part of the angry, bitter, reactionary victim. In that state of mind, we cannot respond with patience and love. Instead, we respond in a manner that genuinely gives offense.


For anyone reading this who wonders whether they have unwittingly committed an offense, or who has already been the recipient of a sudden, unmerited, and colossal freakout, I have only this advice:

Keep calm, and carry on. You can only do the next thing -- whatever that next thing is -- and pray for a satisfactory resolution.